snapshots from my kitchen, and one giant pine cone

self-portrait tuesday: reflection

i practice amateur photography to figure out cropping. it helps so much with drawing to use this muscle. i took this in the bathroom mirror and like the way i look and feel askew during finals (i got my little vintage shiny necklace to make me feel better tho). off to the studio-- i just laid out all my charcoal drawings for a class, perhaps i'll take a picture:)

why i blog

i overthink everything, always, and am right now, but i'm just going to for a moment lay down why i blog.

i blog to show that art making doesn't happen in a vaccuum.

i blog to show my work in progress and get feedback.

i blog because everyone else's blogs INSPIRe me and i want to participate.

i blog to look back on my blog and see growth, remind myself.

i blog because i need a place to put dissparate thoughts.

i blog because it's immediately gratifying.

i blog because i'm a big dork.

i blog because i don't have a TV and am addicted to the screen.

i blog because it's funny to have hugh tease me about my blogging habit.

i blog because i have a bit of ADD and it fulfills that jumping around and visiting people, on my own time.

i blog because it takes me a while to process and it's another outlet of expression.

i blog because there is a cool little niche of creative people i would have never met.

i blog because i'm incubating some ideas right now {some call it procratinating}.

xoxo

The Broken, Burnt and Busted Benefit

Tonight this benefit is happening.
They spelled my name wrong-- McDonough, NOT McDonald people!
Hugh and I both donated pieces, there will be mole and music about fire.
Good times for a good cause! 

the post-it reads

"please make 2 legal research folders (you can be creative)"

ha! i found it stuck in an old journal. i know my boss was trying, but i define my creative license as so much bigger now! sometimes i forget how extremely fortunate i am right now to have gotten laid off from my 40 + hour week law firm job (3+ years ago) and to have forged this new path of art making, even if i'm still doing part-time work waitressing. just wanted to put this somewhere to remind myself when i'm complaining about finals.

lucky girl

i feel like the luckiest. not only was my joint birthday party with sabrina wonderful for all the amazing people that came... a fire in a wheel-barrow, sab's unbearably beautiful home, studio and magical garden, a chocolate cake and oalliberry pie, babies kadison & sam and friends and family from all parts of my life and sabrina's, but people were so generous.

thank you for all of my fabulous & thoughtful birthday gifts!

a special call out to fellow bloggers, maybe it will inspire some x-mas shopping for you others:)

from shash: kiki the bear (kiki has a plum knit sweater vest and a little note that says she has been waiting all week to meet me!)

from andrea: superhero boy briefs... so much secret power there to use during finals week!

from stef: a beautiful handmade by stef collage card and colombian bracelet and this lotta journal:)

from my studio mate lolo: much needed stylish organizing folders... can't find the website, but good gift idea for the messy, she sees the worst of this side of me!

and from many more i received my favorites of chocolate (emily strange chocolate, too!), smelly good soap, candles, flowers, graphic novels-- this cool one by brian biggs from ali, an aloe vera plant (monisha didn't even know about my aforementioned bug bites!), a gift card to the art store from hugh's sisters!!!... people know me so well!

from my hugh: this amazing camille rose garcia book and cut paper calendar by Nikki McClure.

no specific link to, but from my kate wc: amazing and now my favorite elegant 8o's earrings we spotted months ago together and she remembered!

from my parents (it finally arrived in the mail, mom!): beautiful wabi sabi ceramic vase with lavendar inside, how appropriate!

from my cousin jamie yesterday in the mail: the above doodle fairy, lunar calendar that she illustrates and an aaron meshon pin, i do believe:)

it was all and all very wabi-sabi (monica even spilled some red wine on herself as requested in the invite!). pre-party sabrina and i were frantic and distracted; cleaning like mad women-- moving tables that were getting stuck in doorways, catching scarves on fire, and feeling basically overwhelmed, but we pulled it together and let the night unfold... even if i was still a bit wishing i could take every single person into a corner to talk to the them specifically for 2 hours one on one, but it was only for 2 minutes... it was so nice to see everyone's faces and be surrounded. thank you. and for the friends who didn't make it, we'll hang out soon!

grateful friday

these are a bit vague and maybe relevant to your lives? i am grateful for these things about myself & work today:
*risk-taking in art even though i'm uncertain
*remembering i'm still learning-- playing in the sandbox
*being brave
*digging
*staying with the struggle
*holding onto my sense of self
*curiousity about the present
*giving credit for who people are today, forgiving past
*beautiful day ahead
*pacing
*balancing act
*going up to twin peaks in my mind, looking down we are so little
*finding my own true nature and applauding jenny's:)
*pep talks
*lucinda williams on the stereo
*being gentle on myself, did i already say that?
*30th b-day party tonight & letting go of expectations but letting it happen
*wabi sabi: imperfect, turning ugly into beautiful...
and you, what are the little niceities you tell yourself when you wake up and feel tired and overwrought?

i want to meet this artist

"I'm not chasing the art world and what it's supposed to be, I'm trying to find what I'm supposed to be...
That's what I've been doing for 50 years."
- Nathan Oliveira

Nathan O. has a piece up in the new de young museum that i love for it's expressive dark gestural qualities. i figured out that he's 78 and might still teach at stanford, so there's a fighting chance i could really contact him:)

i'm having a weird time trying to mesh my quirky kid's book characters with my expressive charcoal drawings, etc. do they need to co-exist? should i develop 2 "styles"? so much contradictary info out there on illustration. i also am having, as you've read before, this quandry about STYLE and am i a painter or illustrator? and how to demarcate the two, and i guess in this world of ours... market myself?

my art director teacher says "you don't need a style, you're too young, but make things consistent". ack? he also says there is no difference between painting and illustration and that i'm overthinking everything.

my life drawing teacher is coming from the other side and allowing me to see that perhaps the difference between painting and illustration is it's intention and accessibility. do i want to communicate clearly? i sort of like keeping my art a bit mysterious and forcing the reader to spend more time looking.

i just have to remember that the answers are in the art, and myself. and in time. 50 years for mr. oliveira.

i'm having a show with a bunch of girls in february, we call ourselves "art club", and excitingly they are all older than me and also in my school! imagine that, we all have 3's in our numbers. so we sometimes joke that we're the old ladies amidst the nine-TEEN year olds. anyhow, i think we're going to call it: "go into your self"... which is a quote from the poet rilke. i'm psyched! we're trying to think of ways to incorporate handmade wallpaper onto the background of all of the walls. maybe silkscreened. any ideas? we're also looking for a shag carpet.

what i love about collaborative art making is that it feels like the closest thing to being 8 and bringing your barbies over to your friends house and making elaborate scenes. y'know?

i'm feeling chatty right now, but really i'm stressed and in finals, so i might not be much of a chatty person for the next week. pardon me. i am so so so so excited to be sitting in maine by the woodstove in a week!!! did i mention i have bug bites all over? my neck, back, tummy... fleas? spider bites? bed bugs? i'm a bit freaking out. it may be stress induced welts. not sure, but it's a swell way to be when you're trying to concentrate on drawing. wish me luck please:)

milton glaser makes me pause

I've been reading up on Milton Glaser this morning... such a good writer and an amazingly accomplished designer. i like this part from his "Dark & Light" essay:

"There is a reason for all of you here to continue making things even though, vocationally speaking, this is the most difficult of times. The deepest role of art is creating an alternative reality, something the world needs desperately at this time. Everyone here today chose to be on the side of Eros, that is you’ve devoted your life of making things, rather than controlling things. I used to feel that it was strange that artists are self-anointed. Now I realize it could not be any other way because above all, art is a view of life itself. It cannot be given by others or taken away by dealers or marketing men. Real artists are always working for nothing because they don’t see their essential role in society as being simply to exchange goods. They turn up first in the anti-war demonstrations, not because they lack patriotism, but because they revere life.
Art is the most benign and fundamental way of creating community that our species has discovered. Mozart and Matisse, children of Eros, make us more human and more generous to one another."

I like to explore these bigger picture questions of why we create; write in blogs, knit, paint, make jam, dance... however you define our making. It definately is not a monetary drive and sometimes I question the "good" I am contributing to the world, and then I realize I don't need to reinvent the wheel in my thought process, but piggyback on to others.

30 gratefulls for grateful friday

1. 30 years on this earth.
2. a cute as pie boyfriend... soon to be husband... who is extremely smart and artistically talented and makes me good food and takes care of me in the ways i need.
3. a loving crafty pants mom who is very strong and beautiful.
4. a wonderful little brother named andrew...almost 16. he's awesome and brave. he's going to spain this year!
5. an exceptionally funny and beautiful sister named jesse who is two weeks younger than me (were steps). so many childhood mems.
6. a smart and funny stepdad named michael who introduced me to literature (he's an english prof) and maybe even taught me to read? i probably wouldn't gone to college, definately not the college i went to, with out him. (i remember he said, he'd be proud if i went to macalester... and so it was).
7. a sadness and acceptance about my biological father who died when i was 1 year 1/2, and was even younger than me. he was an artist and i think i must have inherited it. since i was little his loss has made me appreciate every day more and strive to be present.
8. a gourgeous witty best friend named bekah who makes jewelery, me laugh and is going to be a child welfare lawyer or something kickass like that!
9. i have so many wonderful people... mostly women... in my life who i love and love me so.
10. kate walsh cunnane grounds me and makes tasty pie and gives me sweet hand me downs and models good behavior.... like domestic living.
11. jessie elizabeth rogers has made so many journies in time and space with me and is my sister of transition and growth.
12. kara bunte is a fabulous dancer, storyteller and friend i don't see enough of!
13. sabrina is my birthday sister and artistic role model and inspiration for spilling it all to find truth.
14. donna lee roy is a kindred spirit and a role model for being a young creative soulful mom.
15. donna lee... of maine is like my aunt and beautiful and real.
16. kate randalph is my walking and talking up the hills and figuring it out of life and love.
17. monica is my older un-related sister whose exuberance and songs fill me.
18. kendra is my organic gardener, northern californian native, amazing cook and passionate about what is righteous in the world.
19. grateful for all my exes who opened all those doors of knowledge.
20. grateful for a place to put my gratefuls.
21. grateful for pat murphy my life coach who listens so.
22. grateful for my grammie who passed when i was five, but i remember her love vividly.
23. grateful for all my new san francisco friends... art school and otherwise making our own new paths.
24. grateful for stef and supporting each other building our dreams bit by bit, even if we hardly see each other in person!
25. grateful for hugh's family and what's to come.
26. grateful for people i've met traveling and their kindness and stories.
27. grateful for my co-workers throughout life, even the crazy bosses, who taught me how not to be.
28. grateful for today.
29. grateful for paint.
30. grateful for all the people i forgot to give a shout out to because this was very spontaneous and piece meal and you all have made me who i am. i know i'll be kicking myself for not including you! and at the same time it's a risk because i do want to specifically say i am grateful for certain people today. (like jamie hogan... you are an artist role model and real family, thank you!) also i am grateful for being able to be more of who i am and i'm not going to apologize for my over the top genuineness which probably makes me sound un-cool. the 30's for me are about shedding being "cool" and hiding behind that and being more me.

i survived/ play by play of my 1st day being 30~!

i'm 30, and have been for exactly one day!
i love it.
24 hours ago i rang it in with a banana split and dessert wine and an episode of "desperate housewives" with hugh by my side. it was trashy and indulgent and perfect.
all in all i had a crummy and fantastic day all at once. it was raining buckets when i woke up and had to bike to work... no one should have to work on their birthday, much less on their 30th!
the first customer who came in was the owner of the irish pub next door, and i complained to him as i poured him coffee. he came back with flowers and a chocolate mini cake with one candle! and i really don't even think this was a flirtatious gesture, but more like a "i feel for you" generous thing. he's a man who drinks milk with lunch and is very wholesome.
THEN my boyfriend... fiancee... love of my life came in with another little chocolate cake. somebody likes chocolate!
so after eating a greasy perfect lunch of a fried fish sandwhich and french fries and a coca cola, not diet... (the rail thin german cook who i get advice on healthy eating--cider vinegar in the morning people-- scolded me for this meal, but hey, i made it 30 years!!!) my co-worker and his girlfriend and i hummed and i made a wish and ate all the chocolate.
so i realize i'm giving you a play by play of my day, but i'm allowed because it's my birthday still... almost not.
after work i went to an awful matinee by myself: "derailed", don't see it unless you want to go to a dark place with jennifer aniston. and then to the MOMA to see the chuck close and kiki smith exhibit. i love kiki. i bought her book that i cannot wait to read... look her up.
then out to a wonderful dinner with friends kate and sean of red wine and halibut and apple tart and conversation and pure being in love and loved and lucky and grateful. thank you for all the kind blog/email/phone messages xoxoxox
30 rocks my socks! i think i'm on a sugar high. i sound like i'm 8 not 30! good night:)