i wear a shirt that says this (above) when i paint that hugh gave me. he is always giving me black shirts and honestly i don't wear that much black. hugh's very johhnny cash in that way. but i like color and lots of it! bless his heart. anyway, it's black with a white silhouette of a woman with a hoe gardening-- i cut the neck off of it and it is paint splattered and it has resonated with me on a big picture level, but not immediately.
then i started thinking about what does that really mean to me right now?
my body is resisting working in restaurants. i got let go from one (fired for a petty reason) and was trying to start a new one and i can't physically do it. i feel sick... coughing and spinning and a splitting headache. enough! no more food service. it pays well and is convenient, but is not sustainable physically.
maybe i'm "reading the writing on the wall", to quote my step-dad. *thank you for your words and book suggestions yesterday, michael*!
how is this resistance fertile? one, it is scary. i need money. we need money. we're getting married in less than 3 months. we have expensive SF rent. my boyfriend, i mean fiance, is also an artist who works at a non-profit. great combo we have going;)
*fertile: bearing, producing, or capable of producing vegetation, crops, etc., abundantly; prolific: fertile soil.* = prolifically producing art! manifest that resistance into something that will grow, right?!
i am going to apply to other kinds of jobs like mad and see what comes. i never want to work in a restaurant again! adios! i'm so over it. more than that i'm going to try to push my art on etsy, for our upcoming show, at the local gallery i'm showing work at and through my new website, and hopefully find new avenues. if i can make... $100 a day it would equal waitressing a few times a week. i'm going to listen to my inner resistance that is caused by the tension between what i "should do" with what my body is screaming at me to do and harness that into fertile ground.
that's where i'm at. i feel very clear now, but i still have so many seeds to plant and tend to! better get on that right now. i hope this doesn't sound whiny, just trying to mark my path here and have some accountability to my word!