Tuesday, June 12, 2007

"resistance is fertile"

i wear a shirt that says this (above) when i paint that hugh gave me. he is always giving me black shirts and honestly i don't wear that much black. hugh's very johhnny cash in that way. but i like color and lots of it! bless his heart. anyway, it's black with a white silhouette of a woman with a hoe gardening-- i cut the neck off of it and it is paint splattered and it has resonated with me on a big picture level, but not immediately.

then i started thinking about what does that really mean to me right now?

my body is resisting working in restaurants. i got let go from one (fired for a petty reason) and was trying to start a new one and i can't physically do it. i feel sick... coughing and spinning and a splitting headache. enough! no more food service. it pays well and is convenient, but is not sustainable physically.

maybe i'm "reading the writing on the wall", to quote my step-dad. *thank you for your words and book suggestions yesterday, michael*!

how is this resistance fertile? one, it is scary. i need money. we need money. we're getting married in less than 3 months. we have expensive SF rent. my boyfriend, i mean fiance, is also an artist who works at a non-profit. great combo we have going;)

*fertile: bearing, producing, or capable of producing vegetation, crops, etc., abundantly; prolific: fertile soil.* = prolifically producing art! manifest that resistance into something that will grow, right?!

i am going to apply to other kinds of jobs like mad and see what comes. i never want to work in a restaurant again! adios! i'm so over it. more than that i'm going to try to push my art on etsy, for our upcoming show, at the local gallery i'm showing work at and through my new website, and hopefully find new avenues. if i can make... $100 a day it would equal waitressing a few times a week. i'm going to listen to my inner resistance that is caused by the tension between what i "should do" with what my body is screaming at me to do and harness that into fertile ground.

that's where i'm at. i feel very clear now, but i still have so many seeds to plant and tend to! better get on that right now. i hope this doesn't sound whiny, just trying to mark my path here and have some accountability to my word!


Shell said...

That place really is scary huh? It's so easy to get stuck in a rut though, and just push on because you think that you have too. I'm sure the universe will be kind to you and something perfect will come along quick smart.

Good luck with it all!

Liivia said...

Oh, I really love your art! Good luck you!

Amanda said...

i think you sound brave and ready. i believe just those thoughts alone will manifest great things for you:)

risa said...

i'm glad you are listening to your body. and i think it's a great idea to start puching your art more on etsy! what kind of job are you thinking of looking for?

kelly said...

you will be fine. you are so talented and hugh as well. i
love his artwork. hang in there
and set your path.

stewart smalley always said
[i am good enough, i am smart
enough and darn it iam good looking]
so it goes something like that...

Listoria said...

Positive intentions are excellent to share - it gets others thinking positively for you as well, which sends more good juju to you.

I'm wishing the perfect job for the perfect pay, coming to you in the perfect way!

Good luck, Mati!

melissa said...

You have such great energy and a positive attitude that you will be just fine. Focus on your art as you are so talented! Good luck!

shash said...

mati, i can't believe that you would have done anything that would get you fired. that's crazy. but it sounds like maybe it's a very good thing in the end. i just quit my job recently (mostly for personal reasons but also for some petty bs at work) and i'm hoping that will also be good in the end. can't wait to see your and hugh's show. oxox

Frida said...

I just want to leap around and cheer for you. If I do it here in a hotel room in Bangkok, will the excited, enthusiastic, joyful vibes reach you in San Fransisco? I hope so cause here I go!

Okay - we didn't have cheerleaders in NZ when I was growing up so I had no idea what I was doing just now, but it was joyful and it was filled with faith and promise for your future.

Go you!

mati rose said...

thank you for all your support and good vibes lady! they traveled near & far and i feel them!