Sunday, January 16, 2005

5 & free


it is gourgeous today in san fran. i just got in from hours lounging with my fairly new, but i think i've known forever, friend stef {}. we sat on a sunny bench in dolores park and watched wee ones being pushed on the swingset by their dads. sunday must be dads day. we mused about "pumping". remember when you first learned to pump? how elusive it seemed, but then one day you put your whole body into the movement and gained momentum and kept on going higher, into the clouds, feeling as if you were going to pull your swingset out of the ground.

funny, talking to stef i was reminded that i had a swingset when i was five. how i had completely forgotten about its' shiny green and yellow yumminess and my intimate relationship to the plastic and bars. when you're a kid your toys take on such a powerful presence. remember your first bike? banana seat and streamers and how cool you felt. and then how you bit it and skinned your knee, but got back up again and continued on. kids have such resiliance.

i've noticed that many of my entries have been nostalgic about childhood-- the books, memories and security. i think i've been picking apart that time in my life for inspiration for writing kid's books, but also to remember who i am at the core. before i felt insecure or bitched at at my workplace. before i had the stress of paying rent or making decisions about my career, but just played! i was a crafty little girl. i cut up my mom's socks and made puppets (and got my 1st spanking for doing so), made my own paperdolls out of magazines, created props for my dollhouse... which was made out of a corner of my closet, fashioned dresses and bathing suits out of bits and pieces of fabric, filled journals up with butterflies with fangs and eye patches and utopian playgrounds. i was a dreamer and completely content to entertain myself drawing. in writing this down it should be no surprise that i'm going full circle and pursuing illustration, but somehow it's hard to believe that i am that same crafty girl that i was at five.

ps- i quit my job last night and feel so happy!!! thank you for all of your support.

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