Wednesday, February 23, 2005


"it's a funny thing, this life.  funny strange, beautiful and truly fragile and chaotic all at the same time".

i got an email from a college friend who i haven't heard from in years. his girlfriend just killed herself. i can't stop thinking about it. he is so strong and inspiring for keeping on. my heart goes out to him. he poignantly wrote the above.

we shared a friend named paul, who killed himself our senior year. it was right around this time of year- valentine's and all. he was the one person we all thought would be the next kofi annan- take over the UN. an international studies major, fluent in portugese, handsome, outgoing, extremely smart and well spoken. needless to say we were shocked when he was missing and left a suicide note. we didn't know his whereabouts for months. we put up pictures of him all over st. paul, MN. his body was found in the missippi river.

funny, that i was just telling my friend ali about him because i was using siracha hot sauce in my pho, and was reminded of how much paul loved it. odd, that i think about him all the time. "oh, that guy looks like paul" i'll think on the BART. i miss him. more than that, it's such a loss that he never shared how he felt. i never would have guessed he was depressed. even so he's made such an impact on my life. i ran into his ex-girlfriend a couple of years ago in SF at a bar {whom he met while in brazil, they were having a long distant relationship between chicago & st. paul}. we both started shaking when we realized who each other were and went out for a smoke {and i don't smoke}. she's an investment banker now and seems happy, but so affected by the loss of paul.

depression is funny like that. i really admire people who ask for help. i like dooce because she speaks frankly about her post-partum depression after having her baby and pulling through it.

reach out people. it is okay. you are not alone. sorry for the public service message, but i need to get it off my chest. if it even makes one person feel better...

a perfect segue for illustration friday's theme of "sorrow"


Kim Carney said...

Life is fragile and unpredictable. I can remember feeling like I could not face another day, many, many years ago. Then one day, I felt like someone had pulled thick tape from my eyes, and the world seemed brighter, literally. Everythign was clear and bright. And that moment forward, I see each day as a gift to be unwrapped. I am really sorry for you loss(es). If those in that much pain, could just look a day, a week, a month forward then they would see life is peaks and valleys, and this too shall pass!

mati rose said...

thank you for reading & relating, kim. i know, that's the frusturating part about it- when people don't look forward & ask for help. i know it is hard to see at that point amidst the pain.