Thursday, August 25, 2005
going to a strange land
i've had the strangest dreams this past week. yesterday i woke up all disoriented. i think it has to do with our new bedroom and that our bed is pressed up against the outer wall and we're on the ground floor. i wake up in the middle of the night overhearing snippets of conversations from drunk girls shreaking on their cell phones, homeless people talking about where crush cans in the morning or the whiskey they scored, spanish which i mostly understand and serves to further confuse me, and countless other strange sounds. it was opera the other night.
well, OK, i think this can all be figured out by changing the orientation of our bed, but that's connected to moving our bookshelves which are hella heavy, etc. etc.
then part of me thinks that maybe my light sleeping is connected to my nervousness around going to burning man. i must be the ONLY one not totally excited. i feel like i'm going to another land... i guess i am! it's the vulnerability i'm nervous about. not being prepared enough, not being "cool" enough, crazy enough, too straight and narrow, not fun enough, too cold, too hot, too much clothing whilst others are naked, too flabby thighed, the list goes on and on. all these silly insecurities. and it occurs to me maybe my insecurities are a layer of protection, or is it about needing control?
i've been trying to be very "controlled" and organized lately with coming up with a business plan and reading all these "starting your own business" books. currently i'm reading this time management book that is sort of hillarious. i'll read it between vogue and a latte at the cafe and think, "geez i really am bad at this". i like time to stew. i like being mellow. i like spontaneity. i crave shaking things up. BUT i need routine in the mix to allow for this to happen. so i keep on reading.
i ignore the parts about how to write a thank you card in 2 minutes by using a template... what's the point?! i soak up the quizzes to figure out my "unique relationship to time". i can hear michael, my step-dad, chuckling at this one because we always had time issues. i was 1/2 hour late (or more) and he 1/2 early (ditto). i guess what i'm really seeking is to have a bigger picture of what is really important to me so i can have more clarity around my goals, y'know?
as i read this over i realize that it is about striking a balance. life IS unpredictable & messy and that's where the adventure can be. i think what i need to do is come up with some grounding techniques while i'm on the desert. i think a journal, drawing materials, a camera, a good book, lots of water, goggles, thermals, bikini tops, and an open mind and the intention to be gentle with myself if i don't feel perfect. baby steps. i'm starting to get excited as i write this, actually!
ps- as i write this i am eating the worst gluten free banana flavored flax crackers... what could be worse? banana flavored cardboard? nah. it's sort of growing on me though, that's the worst part.
pps- thanks for reading! i hope to have many inspiring pictures of art projects to post post-burning man!