Wednesday, July 19, 2006

don't hold back

hello there,

as always thank you for all your comments... i should do yoga more often! i meant to today, but instead ate some pie and went to the fabric store. (40% off! mission & 17th people )

this thought of "DON"T HOLD BACK" came to me over and over again today in my journaling about art making. writing helps so.

what am i holding back?

enjoying the process. making art from a place of uninhibitied seeking. i want to experience my life's work fully, head on, not bashfully and from a place of cautiousness. so many analogies to life, no?

or maybe i AM uninhibited in my seeking and i'm finding it is not all clear cut... it is confusing when i am honest. complex.

i am feeling myself become a "tortured" artist. pre-occupied with it all. will this get easier? patience with this process.

i am uncomfortable with where my art future lays. i don't have an image yet of how it looks. on a daily basis. there are no standard steps. no tests of proficiency. and would i really want those if there were?

yesterday i had lunch with the ever so real and beautiful lisa s ( i loved watching her briefly interact with her students... lucky them!) and had so many un-articulated serious questions about art. it felt so annoying! to be such a beginner and to be impatient with this process, but wanting the room to explore from a beginners perspective. also feeling the weight of being already 30 and wanting my life more figured out more! to not even know many questions and knowing that i have to ultimately find the answers on my own that will be true for myself. and that this is the joy. the art of life. the life of art.

it is a brave and solitary path when i look at the way of being as an artist as a life long pursuit. so many avenues and i want to look closely at that and not step away from it from fear, but also not ignore the trepidation if it is my inner voice saying that it's not the right fit. y'know?

**OK, enough already! i'm being so dramatic!**

i took some pictures over the last 2 days of scenes i love and make me feel fearless and deeply happy!
perfect mojitos
a perfect mojito at le colonial (check out the pics of the interior... i dream of an art studio like this with oriental rugs and bird cages and old photos!). open air patio with large fans overhead and wicker chaise lounges and 2 girl friends to talk about art with and project scheme.
what's here?
coming home to a home-made berry pie by my fiance. how perfect. i am so happy to have found this pie making man.
corona heights dinner
a dinner-time picnic high up on corona heights of take-out thai food and a circular view of sf. sun shining a golden hue. my lover boy with his kind eye wrinkles and scruff.
new bag
sadly, no picks of lunch with lisa donning her beautiful new necklace from my cecilia, nor my decadant day of solitary gallery viewing-- went to the luggage store for the first time and saw yoon lee's work. and bought some "teatime" bright pink lipstick (a bit garish), a flowered borrowed from the 30's pattern dress from one of my favorite bargain stores and even a red & pink bag at a little world crafts store in the gritty tenderloin that feels like such a score!

pps- thank you lisa for helping me lock up my bike and being a creative problem solver;)



amanda said...

all of my art belongings are packed up as we prepare to move....i'm longing to create more than ever now. not sure whay that happens but i don't much like it.

i have to share a comment my hubby said about the print ('Believe') i bought from you. "this is really nice, i can't wait to hang it in our new house"

lisa s said...

annoying?? are you kidding??? my passion is talking about how to live and make art and make it all work. i could talk about it forever.... and you are NOT old or nearing some magic marking point in your life where you need to be at some place [whatever that is]....

i had SUCH a lovely time with you... wanted more... wish you could have come thru the museum with us

can't wait to see you again.... xo

Shari said...

hi mati,
what a beautiful inspiring. i love how expressive you are. your photos are so delightful and just full of happiness. here's wishing you more picnics and pie surprises. hugs, shari

susanna said...

What happy photographs! I actually felt myself relax just looking at them and reading the accompanying words. I've never had a mojito let alone a perfect one...must try one this summmer... The purse is beautiful. So womanly. And you have a pie-making man? Lucky girl!

As for you "feeling the weight of being 30 and wanting (your) life figured out more"...I felt exactly like that when I was 30. So did all of my 29 & 30 year old girlfriends. Lots of big changes occurred in our lives around then - relationships either ended or went on to the next step, children started appearing (after nine months of cours!), and careers changed paths. Being in my mid-30's is great!

Anonymous said...

hmmm...i love you musings, and what's better than a mojito in the summer?

christine said...

Oh, your questions are so true and real. I have so many of the same and I am always amazed when people who I thought had it together do too! We are all searching. Maybe that's what makes us artists.

risa said...

i love eye wrinkles and scruff.