Wednesday, July 12, 2006

unconventional wisdom

rambling clarity post-yoga class (held in this bizzaro pre-school room with toddler toys abound & a kind teacher).
i don't want to live a conventional life. notes to self.
lush cacti
to live like this cactus and bouganvilla~ lush & fierce. sometimes i forget that and get sucked into the... i don't have this or that (the status of owning homes and cars and possessions and assets) and feel small and limited. wake up!
or even marriage or children... the questions and the etiquette involved. makes my tounge feel like wool.
then i feel like i'm tryin to please everyone, but myself.
i want to feel these answers for myself deeply, not just as an answer to stop the questions.
i want to go on a much needed road-trip! a self designed artist residency perhaps?
i want to take a trip by myself to... new mexico... big sur, maybe dolores park with a sketch pad will do.
big and wide and open space.
i want to forge a new path; be a pioneer.
have balance in my own way. be unconventionally responsible in my own way.
stay out wicked late.
watch all the bad girly movies the hip kids at the video store would never recommend (unless they were being ironic)... "maid in manhattan", perhaps?
sleep in and read a book for hours. chocolate croissant crumbs in my bed.
dance... this girl has not danced in forever... where would i even go?
dye my hair and clothes crazy beautiful colors.
wine on the rooftop.
enjoy the life i've built.
get angry. have confrontations!
be silly.
goof off.
or cry uncontrollably in a public park for what feels like no reason & every (that would be saturday).
breathe deep. let the uncertainties rise up.
risk that.
feel the feelings.
let go. let go. let go.
risk being unliked.
risk being liked too much.
love too much.
make out in public.
make mistakes.
be taboo... i love my co-worker for drawing pictures of her bikini wax last night.
be a dork (my studio mate lolo wears a belt that says DORK and this i love)
better the world... in... my own way. it's enough.
live authentically to myself.
speak up.
trust myself.
rebel against convention.
welcome my artistic epiphanies and don't judge them before they get on the page. let it go.
make my own uncool.
i want to take the best of childhood creativity and presentness and carefreeness (in truth i think i did a fair share of worrying in childhood and that is why i am stuck reflecting there a bit and cherishing the good full memories) and integrate it into the power of being an adult and revel in it all.
be earnest. be passionate. have integrity. listen to what makes me happy first and the rest will follow.
there are no rules. just self-imposed should do's.
i get why that man walks back and fourth in front of the restaurant all day smiling and joking with himself, and when i said "he makes me sad" and the bartender replied "maybe you make him sad inside here working all day". he is part of my fear of being truly unconventional.
do it my own way. who cares?!
what is stopping me/you?
today i need to write these words to remember.


Nessie Noodle said...

thank you.
just do it

I am with ya girl!

amystery said...

my goodness, the awesomeness in your words went straight to my heart. I would follow all these statements with a resounding "yes" truly are fabulous!

Stef said...

I sooooo love this darlin!!!

Goddess of Leonie said...

BLESS you for sharing these
with YOURself
and the WORLD.

yeah, you do the make the world a better place. you are one groovy, rare, shining bird.

love and laughter,

jerusha said...

well said, mati. i'm glad you write these words so that i can remember, too.

susanna said...

You GO, girl! What an exhilarating post! PS - Check out Yelapa, Mexico. Pretty little fishing town, cheap hotels with hamocks on all the balconeys, an expat baking little fruit pies every morning...

lisa s said...

yeah. right there with you....

Shari said...

hi mati,
love these notes to self. great idea to write down these thoughts and feelings. inspiring! xo shari

The Whole Self said...

i make lists like this all the time. it's glad to see i'm not alone.

lisrobbe said...

very inspiring words. maybe I need to start making lists. what a great picture to start the weekend with as well.

Listoria said...

plain and simply

you have just expressed the thoughts and feelings very succincly of myself and my two friends, as we have been struggling with these same things. to be (in public, in person) who we are in our own minds eye. to let loose.

thank you, dear wonderful woman! you totally rock!


my pink sky said...

i need to put this on my fridge...great list!

christine said...

yes, yes and yes! me too.

amanda said...

me too. i have a feeling i might get closer to a few of these once i move out of the city and into a quiet village(in a couple of months). now if i could just quit this corporate job......

risa said...

i've heard that it is easier to give up caring what others think once ou reach your 40s. but jordan and i are really trying to work on overcoming this NOW. it sounds like you are well on you way.

Julie said...

Fantastic thoughts - im sure they are shared by many of us!!
Go for it..feel free..........

la vie en rose said...

lush & fierce! yes! i'm so glad you wrote these words. they made me remember what i want from my life...

shash said...

wow. what a rad list mati! i agree with all the previous comments.
ps. so nice to bump into you on my bday! dosa is very yummy. do your clothes all smell like indian spices? mine did. hee.

Anonymous said...

Your words have inspired me to take a chance and know that I am not alone. Best of luck in your endeavors...