Friday, July 15, 2005


i think that mammoth entry below was all about my fears. i'm creating a budget and business plan today, but the other fears are all tied up...
fearing i don't have the money to pay school and then that i'll never make $ making art (i think this fear feels very real right now because i have to make my first payment for next semester).
fearing that i'll be destitute and on the streets. yep, part of me fears that. especially in this city where it is such a reality.
fearing that i'm not a good enough artist. fearing that i've forgotten how to draw!
fearing that my wedding will be a disaster.... i had a dream a few days ago that we were getting married and i looked around and there were 5 other weddings going on at the same time, so my parents suggested we change locations and by that time it was dark and we were totally unprepared and had to go scrounging for candles.
fearing that this big bling diamond on my finger doesn't fit my identity.
fearing i'll seem like an old married lady at school with the 18 year olds.

and then i get some perspective.

i need to start drawing again!
i have a lovely family, friends, resources, sanity (so far), no addictions, have a wonderful home... that fear of living on the streets is not a reality. at the same time i do have so much sympathy for the many many people living on the streets here. also i do think hugh and i would still be in love if we were homeless--we'd make a little cardboard home and decorate the inside with found markers. i don't mean to make light of the situation.
my wedding can be a potluck and small and bridal magazines are evil.
my ring is beautiful and sentimental from my grammie and so what if i am an old married lady;)


anne elizabeth said...

isn't it funny - the people that you find, how similar the story?
girl,your worries are my own. therefore I could read your words for hours.
keep going.
and then come visit me.

tracy said...

i have been visiting you here for a while. how did i find you? i don't remember, but i am drawn to your work - it is so alive, and something else, something i cannot quite put into words. it seems so honest, true. i wanted to say today that i have the same money fears, the same fears about my own painting. thank you for having the bravery to share. you are not alone on your journey. yes, keep going.

Stef said...

it's so great to have you back and I love your new perspective!!!


Jesse said...

Mati!! Your ring fits your identity because YOU are wearing it! Same with the wedding, it will be lovely and wonderful because it will be celebrating you and Hugh! You will give your fellow students hope that they, too, can be married and cool, all at the same time!!

JR said...

Yo matirose! Let's do your wedding in baggy jeans and rhinestones. Homemade candles and cookies, $15.00; Sprinkles to pour in Hughbert's hair, $2.99; A chance to celebrate your beautiful friendship with eachother, Priceless. For everything else there's Blackstrap Molasses.
(Did u know a tspn of it provides 20% of your reco daily iron intake?! Fersheeezy.]