Monday, May 15, 2006

awakenings

"Do I really think there is anything more profoundly true about my interpretation of the situation, now that I'm in bed, than there was when I was in the middle of it this afternoon?"~ Hugh Prather from "Notes to Myself"

part of me feels still so silly admitting to my shifts of mindset because i still lapse back into the past ideas of myself. mornings are the toughest for me. i am so not a morning person, it's 9:30 am right now and i woke about an hour ago and am finally feeling a bit more alert. i have never been a morning person and i need to just accept this and not judge it and myself so critically at this time of day. ya' know?

i really need to be gentle on myself as i wake. it is when the most judgement comes to play. pre-coffee. lying in bed and the thoughts of what need to be done come streaming in. rapid fire: why am i so tired? i'm so lazy. just get up! i need to exercise. these round thighs, good lord. sluggish. i need to get up. what am i going to wear? i hate my clothes. no funds to buy new. so many on the floor. i'm so messy. mind chatter. negativeness. judgement. so much self-hatred first thing. what for? who does it serve?

today i heard the grumpy morning bit and decided to listen to a part of it... you need to be slow now. i eased out of bed and went to the loveseat newly positioned near my sun lit window, wrapped a chenille blanket around me and read a bit from a borrowed book about handbuilt shelter called "homework". and just let myself be in the slow space. this book inspires me so. and insightful bits from the one quoted above whose full title is "Notes to Myself: My struggle to become a person".

my hugh came back from the coffee shop and brought me mine all doctored up and kissed me excessively on the face. i continued to read and dream of building a little nest, or at least the idea of being able to build my dreams. or to maybe accept that i am living some of my dreams already and not the constant striving for perfection. maybe i'm not a morning productive person, and that is a time for me to be slow and stop the judging. i need to develop my own morning ritual. maybe some miles davis on the alarm. how to rig that up? good books by the love seat and gratitude of my coffee gopher/lover. i have created my life so i don't have to rush out of the house first thing (plus i worked till 11pm last night and all weekend long...duh! it's OK to feel tired)... why not take advantage of this morning calm?

yeppers. more art later. this is just some thoughts for the a.m. i'm trying to think of some good phrases to write in bold near my bed to remind me that it is fine to be a morning turtle. GENTLE. does anyone else relate? i write this morning tangent for myself of course, and in the hopes of connecting and hearing different approaches (the beauty of comments is i learn from you), also so that others maybe just maybe feel in company.

This man Hugh Prather's "Notes to Myself" is so true to me and hillarious, like SNL's Stuart someone's daily affirmations. This is one of my faves: "When I get to where I can enjoy just lying on the rug picking up lint balls I will no longer be too ambitious".

or this: "If a man takes off his sunglasses I can hear him better". true. true.

And I just opened to this one as a motto for today:
"Being myself includes taking risks with myself, taking risks on new behavior, trying new ways of "being myself", so that I can see how it is I want to be". Underline. Star. Of course.

2 comments:

amy said...

oh mati, I relate to this so much. who deserves to start their day in such a negative mindset? No one of course, least of all ourselves. Thanks for reminding me of this.

Heather said...

I was thinking about this just this morning! I've started taking baths in the morning before work instead of showers - so much better! I can run the bath while I make myself a piece of toast and tea and strangely it doesn't seem to take any more time than a shower. Maybe that's because I am more willing to hop right out of bed if I know I'm going to get to have some tea and read a poem or two in the bath first thing!